A Message from Exile Island

So I didn't get the job.

It all went downhill in the second interview I thought it would be a conversation, but no, that was turned into a circus. Seven questions answered to a panel of four, all taking copious notes to capture my responses. Not so informal. Not very comfortable. Especially when you need to sell yourself and your ability which you think may incense your boss who is across the table from you.

Why would that happen? Because we job shared for four months. Yeah, same job, same staff, same meetings, competing on a daily basis for some control, recognition, respect.

Long story short, I was actually told I was not someone management wants on their team. They need to know they'll get 100%, or so they actually said. My boss's boss had the nerve to try to get me to agree with her when she said, "Come on, you know you didn't always give it your all."  An Emoji with wide eyes and steam shooting from the top of my red head would be perfect here.

She was referring to what happened during the period of the job sharing. Yeah, I knew that situation would be the death of me. Or at least my career there. But no one was looking when she didn't feel it necessary to support me. Or they were, but who cares about the stand-in when the real deal returns? The understudy is not the marquee draw, even when she's brilliant.

Am I pissed? Disappointed? Relieved? Humiliated? Shaking my head? YES!

When a few tears escaped that night as I told him (I think I was entitled to all of them), my hubby observed I was like the bachelorette who didn't get a rose. Rejection hurts, but is he really all that? While we find ourselves crying in the moment, the reality is that "thing" we're all striving to win over may have made us miserable in the end.

If we're going to use reality shows as a point of reference, it was more accurate to say I was feeling  like I was voted off the island by my tribe. My peers don't want me anymore, and I'd prefer to think the reason is the one with my most influence, you know who, felt threatened by my ability. Come on ya'll, let's vote her off now before she wins another immunity!!!

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and one of the voices in my head keeps chanting, "You dodged a bullet, my friend."

Kinda feeling that today. Finally, I'm feeling slightly amused about the whole thing. As I should be. Had I made it to the Final Three, I would have gotten all the jury votes for the million. Just ask anyone.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

This was one highly charged week -- two job interviews back to back, mentally preparing for a flight out to Chicago for Dad's surgery, making and checking off lists, dealing with a shitload of issues on the job. I've been adding to and checking off my lists way more than I care to.

And then the letdown. That sweet release from everything.

Interviews behind me. My effort put forth, now I wait. Out of my hands, out of my control. I've done my best, no regrets. Thankfully!

Surgery postponed. Cancel the flight. Unpack. Cancel the meals I was going to have to pre-make. Plan to gear up at a future date for the emotional roller coaster I'll have to ride for this one. 

Suddenly have time to decompress. Lovely, luxuriant time to relax. Maybe get over this three-week cold.

I haven't been this free of obligation for days! Free, being the key word. I feel like I've been unshackled. Not to run wild, but to feel some peace. To be released from worry about those things I've all I can to fix or direct this week. I actually feel a little giddy!

I'll say this about stress. When you're in the pressure cooker, it's quite unpleasant. I don't think I've perspired this much since puberty. BUT when it's over, when you've gotten through that thing that kept you up at night, that made your palms and pits sweat and your mouth dry, it's a rush. Sweet satisfaction from looking the beast, whatever that may be, right in the mouth and growling back.

I heard a line from a movie recently (can't remember, of course, which one), but one guy to the other said something like this. Courage comes later. Do that thing that scares the life out of you; the courage will come after.

It's true. Few of us are able to replace our fear with bravery and confidence in the face of those things that scare us to death.

But when you look fear in the eye and force yourself to do it anyway, sweet, sweet satisfaction. Euphoria when you do it well.